There’s a common narrative that unfolds the first time you buy Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap. It starts in the store, where the bottles, with their brightly colored, text-heavy labels, line up like cure-alls from some deranged medicine man. You pick one up. Later, in the shower, there comes a curious tingling sensation after you’ve lathered up your nether regions. That’s when you reach for the bottle again to give it a closer read.

There are quotes from Mao, Jesus, Hillel, Einstein, and George Washington, among others. There’s something called the Moral ABC, which appears to be a philosophy for uniting all humans on Spaceship Earth. There’s a lot of religious ranting, a liberal dose of exclamation points, and instructions for cleansing your “mind-body-soul-spirit instantly.”

Now you’re more curious than ever. And if you read enough of the label and happen to Google Dr. Bronner after you’ve toweled off, you’ll discover the story of the late Emanuel Bronner, which reads like bizarro fiction. (We’ll get to it shortly.) That story is just the beginning.

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